Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Know what you're up against: Torture techniques

Children. Who'd have 'em?

It's like we welcome them into our homes and lives but then they start slowly turning it in to a war zone. Bit by bit, day by day, they do stuff that drives us nuts, and makes us want to run for the hills. Maybe their sole purpose is to make us abandon our territory so they can have it all to themselves. So they can steal our oil, or something like that.

But this doesn't have to be your fate. An awareness of the techniques they use to conquer us can help us to be strong and resist their advances. 

Today, we start with torture techniques. There are many techniques available for a soldier (i.e. little darling) to torture the enemy (i.e. you) with. While we can't tell you what to use to combat this torture, an understanding of how the little buggers can grind you down can keep you one step ahead mentally. 

Fully trained in ritual humiliation. Yours.

Blackmailing - You know it well. If you don't do something they want, or let them do something they want to do, then you will bloody well pay for it one way or another. With whining, or a tantrum, or just telling you they don't love you any more. The threat of having to hear their little whiny voice and look at their pathetic, hard-done-to face for hours on end tempts us in to giving in to their demands. Well don't! Be a man. Tell them 'no' and mean it. That'll teach them.

Humiliation - Argh, the pain! The torment! Just when you thought you were getting away with it all, the little darling decides to tell random strangers, at the top of their usually tiny voices, that Mummy was squeezing the spots on her face this morning. Or that Daddy was doing something equally (or more) disgusting than that. Or worse, they tell their teachers who have a very crafty way of being able to wheedle out all your family secrets with just one look. You will never have the same street cred in the playground again. Ever.

Sleep Deprivation - Oh God! This one needs a whole blog post in itself. We will come back later, I think.

Exposure to unpleasant sounds over a long period of time - Bong bing boo. Bing bong bing. Bing bong bingly bungly boo. Bong bing boo. Bing bong bing. Bing bong bingly bungly boo. Do I need to explain this one any further? Thought not.

Being subject to interrogation for long periods - Whhhhhhhhy? Like this.....

"Mummy, why is that lady walking funny?"
"Don't know darling. Maybe she's had a poorly leg and it's not got better."
"Oh. Why?"
"Well, I don't know. Some people just get poorly for whatever reason."
"Oh. Why?"
"Because people catch germs or hurt themselves doing something mental like parachuting or something."
"Oh. Why?"
"Because people sometimes like to do things like that."
"Oh. Why?"

And relax.

So there you have it. Some of the more common torture techniques you will encounter as a parent. Do you have any more to add to help out your fellow trooper?


  1. I quite like the bing bong song.
    With you on all the rest though.

  2. Not forgetting the attempting to make you crash the car by bombarding you eith stupid questions non stop or fighting and whining.

  3. Oh, and don't forget my personal favourite: "Making you believe you may actually have become invisible and/or mute unless you are shouting like a fishwife".

    For example:
    Me: Come here and put your shoes on.
    [Child strides purposefully in opposite direction]
    Me: Excuse me. Come here and put your shoes on!
    [No response.]
    Me: Did you hear me? [anxiously looks at clock] Come here and put your shoes on!
    [Child responds in vague manner, "mmmm"]
    [Child looks surprised and hurt at sudden parental rage...)

    1. Oh God, yes! And then they say 'There was no need to shout, mummy!' with a sad little face. Well clearly there bloody well was a need to shout or I wouldn't have done it - Good one!!


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