Parents, Politics and my Six Year Old

In this parenting thing that we're all in together, it's not essential that we see eye-to-eye with other parents. It is inevitable that we are going to encounter others whose parenting philosophies don't match ours. What's important is that we don't catch any of our offspring in any hostilities. This guest post has been provided by Claire Smith of Ministry of Mum, and I know she would appreciate your opinion.

Recently I have been subject to something which I consider to be pretty low - the parent that punishes somebody else’s child. I’ve felt compelled to write this blog because it is completely beyond my parenting style and comprehension. So much, in fact, that as well as wanting to rant, I’m curious to know if other parents share my view or if I’m the one that’s completely off my head.

In a nutshell, about a month ago my six year old daughter might have borrowed but probably nicked a mini camera from a mate, resulting in her being banned from that household. To give you some background, we don’t get along with the parents but we have never let this interfere with the children. What happened is this – my daughter went over to play and two days later I discovered that she had this mini camera which doesn’t belong to us. She told me that her friend had said she could borrow it. I was cross because my daughter can be a bit of a magpie - I know my daughter and even though I'm secretly hoping she'll rob something worthwhile one day (new Uggs, Barbour jacket, cash), she’s got to learn that you just can’t take something if you fancy having it for yourself. Of course life took over and we didn’t end up returning the camera until the next day. Anyway, that night my husband who had been away on business and knew nothing about this, received a text from the Dad (who he never speaks to) saying something along the lines of “You may be aware that your daughter stole a camera from our house. We have been looking for it for days. As a consequence she is no longer welcome here.”

These are my thoughts:

1) I don’t think the family even knew it was missing. Because if you couldn’t find an item in your house, the next thing you would do is contact the parents of the child that had been over to check if that child had it. Plus the mother really knows my daughter. She’s known her very well for over three years.

2) Yes my daughter might have ‘stolen’ it and yes she should know not to do this. But no kid is perfect. I’ve had kids over here that have drawn on the furniture, hit my kid, thrown stuff but surely you just have to let this stuff go.

3) Who knows what goes on between six year old girls? Her friend could very well have said she could borrow it. She probably didn’t, but nobody knows that for sure and the friend isn’t likely to admit that now.

4) The parents are projecting the way they feel about us onto our child. And, at the end of the day, SHE’S SIX.

5) Kids will be kids. I know my daughter is no angel. If she did nick it then of course she needs to be reprimanded but surely this is my job?

The other day we ran into the family. Their daughter greeted my daughter like you would a long lost friend. It was sad to see because indirectly the other girl is being punished too as they really do love each other. However the girl said to my daughter: “I’m not cross with you. I’m still your friend. But I’m not allowed to play with you.” This is what got me. If the parents want to tell their daughter the truth then that’s their prerogative, but my daughter knew nothing about the ban. She didn’t need to know. All she needed to know was that if she had taken the camera, then that’s wrong. As I said SHE’S SIX and nobody knew for certain what happened. Oh but she knows about the ban now. She has been questioning me about what this means and of course she’s confused and upset.

It’s got me thinking because maybe my view on this incident is too ‘relaxed’. I am able to laugh off stuff because they are children and, you know what, nobody was harmed. Or am I actually laying the groundwork for the hash-growing, car-jacking, old lady-mugging youths of tomorrow? Probably not. But I have to remember that although there are lots of you out there who 'get' me, there are also people who look down with scorn. You all know them. The parents who believe that their children are perfect, can do no wrong and are seriously shocked by ‘naughty’ behaviour. Who do not want their children playing with the not-so-perfect kids. I understand that everybody’s parenting is different.  I respect that the camera incident was a big deal to the other family but what I can’t respect is the way that it has been handled. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a serious incident, there are far worse things that go on with children. 

So judge away. I’m very interested to hear your views on this. Especially if it’s ‘don’t project your shit on to another person’s child’. Because surely that’s what our own children are for   ;-)

Battles with my seven-year old

My seven-year old is a joy. Sometimes. The rest of the time she is indifferent to horrid, and sometimes we get into terrible fights. She has a knack of being able to press all the right buttons to get me and her Dad completely wound up. I have always hoped this was a phase she was going through, yet she seems to have been in it since she was about three-years old. I'm not sure if it is an age thing either, as her younger sister (who is now four) doesn't seem to provide us with half as many challenges. Some days I wonder if I should get her tested for some sort of syndrome. There must be a name for her attitude problem and her challenging behaviour. Then I remember what it is - it is genetics. She has the mix of a questioning mind and academic ability, crossed with rebelliousness and a low boredom threshold. As a result, I find her the hardest work out of all my offspring. Our daily battles are varied and many.

First of all there is the way in which she always seems to understand why she is being told off, only to go and do the exact same thing moments later - like dragging one of the twins over, and claiming the baby 'likes it' when she clearly doesn't. We tell her not to do it and send her to the very well-worn naughty-step (again). We go through the usual 'why were you on the naughty step *sigh*? routine, and talk about why her behaviour was out of order. She apologises to whichever baby she scared the bejeezus out of, and then goes and does it all again in less than two minutes. It drives me potty.

Then there is the morning routine thing. We have been getting up and going to school in a morning now for three years, at least. Why do I myself shouting at her every single morning to eat her breakfast / put her school clothes on / brush her teeth? I don't have to do this for the 4-year old, who I ask once at the most, and it's done. I hate comparing them, but my second-child is way more capable in most senses. I wouldn't mind so much, but my seven-year old's academic ability is significantly above average, so she's clearly not stupid. I know I have to be understanding of her space-cadet credentials, but it's the attitude I get back when trying to gee things up a bit that makes me want to scream!!!!!

She also seems to have a lack of talent for sitting still. Anywhere. At the dining table, in school assembly, in front of the TV. She also does this wriggling thing in tandem with sucking her thumb (the Dad's biggest pet peeve), and no matter what we do, she won't stop. Part of this is attention-seeking, and most of the rest is showing off. She likes to entertain and thinks that being silly is a way of doing this, whereas most of the time it just results in people thinking she is indeed, silly. 

We fight over her love of video games. I can't criticise too much as we've always been into gaming, me especially, and we buy the girls games regularly, but it's the way the eldest goes on and on and on about them all the time. We get constant requests for her to play Zelda, or Mario Kart, or to go on-line and play flaming Moshi Monsters. Nothing else. We've bought her other stuff too, like books, outdoor toys, and craft sets, yet she craves gaming and has little mini tantrums over wanting to play them. Nothing too serious mind as I wouldn't stand for it, but she clearly, genuinely gets upset if we refuse. And God forbid we should interrupt a gaming session with an offering of a meal. How inconvenient for her! We have turned the game off at the wall many times when she seems to be taking way too long to 'save it then I'll come', but even the threat of banning video gaming for a period of time doesn't improve her behaviour elsewhere. The prospect of having her games taken away does not seem to even faze her, and though she knows we are indeed serious about hiding her DS and banning the Wii, she always seems to end up getting her ban extended. She never learns.

The one that has been ongoing pretty much since she was born is the bedtime battle. She has had a solid bedtime routine since she came home from the hospital. We were firm about it from an early age, yet when she goes to bed we get every excuse in the book why she can't possibly sleep right now. She is usually hungry, or thirsty, or just knows she's going to have a bad dream, or she's too hot, or too cold, or the duvet isn't right. We often hear her pottering around the girls' room above the living room, two hours after she went up to bed. She was the same as a baby, unsettled in her cot and crying to come out for ages after we put her down. Now, she shouts down to us regularly trying to buy more time downstairs, with her younger sister snoring obliviously in the bunk bed below. 

My seven-year old is a sweet and sensitive child. She gets upset with real tears when our rows escalate and I tell her that if she really hates us that much she should pack her bags and go and live somewhere else, with a family that will let her have her own way all the time. (No, I'm not proud of this, but she makes it too easy for me to say it). She clearly loves her sisters and can play nicely with them when she wants to. She has lots of friends at school, even if she can be a bit bossy with them from time-to-time. 

My long-term goal now is to try and show her the consequences of her behaviour without letting her permanently harm anyone around her, and try and get her to adulthood having learned from her sometimes destructive and challenging behaviour. I need to find a more productive outlet for her obvious intelligence and passion for entertaining. My daily battle is finding enough time to make her the focus of my attention for even a short period of time each day. I just wish that she didn't sometimes make it difficult for me to want to make the effort to spend some time with her.

Essential Kit for New Troopers

When you’ve got a baby trooper on the way, the amount of kit that people tell you that you simply can’t live without is overwhelming. You’re bombarded from all sides, advertising, magazines, friends, family, all telling you that you need everything from certain brands of baby wipes to travel systems. People ask you if you have everything you need, if you are ‘prepared’ (believe me, nothing can prepare you for fatherhood) and if the nursery is ready (the one that the trooper won’t be in for months).

When I was about to become a new dad for the first time, I took all this on board. I didn’t want to scrimp on my own offspring after all, I wanted to give them the best start possible, and of course I was pretty excited to make it all seem ‘real’ by buying ‘essential’ baby kit…

And as a result I ended up buying a whole load of stuff that just never got used. A total waste of money. So, if you’re happy to get out there and spend, spend, spend, then don’t let me stop you (it’s good for the economy). But, if like me, you didn’t really know what you need to buy but feel compelled to buy anyway….

STOP!!!!

In the first few weeks the baby trooper needs very little kit. They need to be fed, kept comfortable and clean, and loved. In the weeks before you have a baby trooper at base camp, you don’t need to go on a buying frenzy. You need to plan and prepare. You need to clean and make room for them. One thing that is going to be in really short supply in the next few months is time.

So what are the basics that you need to buy?

·        Nappies and nappy changing kit. Buy the smallest bag of newborn nappies as possible, as baby troopers grow fast. If using non-disposable (washable) nappies, again, don’t buy in bulk. You have to see what is the best fit and type for your baby trooper.

·        Clothing. Baby troopers need to be two things: to be comfortable and accessible (for many nappy changing sorties). So do not buy fussy clothes with fiddly buttons – unless your trooper is going straight from the maternity ward to a wedding or their own graduation, they don’t need an ‘outfit’. They need stretchy, soft, warm clothes that can withstand the rigours of repeated washing. I’ve listed my all-time favourite baby trooper outfit below. Buy enough of it to ensure you always have a few outfits clean (around 6) but not too many as they will grow out of them fast.

o  a cotton babygrow and a sleepsuit with poppers

o  a cotton hat (a lot of heat is lost through the head). If the weather is cold, a warm hat for outdoor use

o  scratch mits (baby troopers have sharp fingernails that aren’t easy to trim)

o  socks (extremities need to be kept warm)

o  a thin cotton cardigan or jacket 

·        Feeding. Some parents chose to bottle feed straight away, but even if your partner is going to breastfeed, you can step up and bottle feed your baby trooper in the evening. When bottle feeding full time, 8 bottles is the optimum number to ensure you always have a clean, sterilised bottle to hand, but don’t go and buy 8. Your baby trooper may not take to them them. You’ll need cleaning and sterilising kit too.

·      Sleeping. Moses basket or cot with a new, snug-fitting mattress. Cotton sheets and thin blankets as it’s easier to regulate temperature with thin layers.

·    Bathing. Somewhere safe to bath the baby. Soft flannels and soft towels, baby shampoo and baby bath.

·        Transport. Car seat that meets safety standards and fits safely and securely in your car. I used a baby carrier in the first few months as it kept my baby trooper safe and close, but both my hands free for other tasks. I bought a second hand pushchair when my baby trooper was a few months older. Those things are built to survive all manner of knocks and there’s some great second hand bargains to be had.

·         First Aid Kit that must include a digital ear thermometer.

And that’s about it – for now. Luckily the baby trooper comes supplied with fully functioning adults who are able to assess their on-going needs and respond accordingly. And believe me, you’ll be up to speed on the real essentials they need before you know it.

Neil Sinclair is an ex-Commando and stay-at-home dad to three troopers Samuel, 10, Jude, 9, and Liberty,5.  He has written a no-nonsense parenting book for new recruits to fatherhood – Commando Dad  - due for publication on May 8 2012. www.commandodad.com.

5 common parenting fails, and why we shouldn't worry about them.

For a change from Fail Friday, today we are talking about 5 common parenting fails, and discussing whether they really matter. For us parents, bringing up our children can be tough going. We have good times, of course we do, but we have bad times too. At Parenting on the Front Line, we accept that failure is an option, indeed it is inevitable from time-to-time. The important thing is that we accept defeat, dust ourselves down and move on. Please stay with us as we tell you 5 parenting fails that determined soldiers have shared with us.

1) Occasionally, we leave incompetents in charge of our children. For some of us, the results of this can be disastrous, but for most of us this is a necessary evil. We leave our children with over-indulgent grandparents, or with the less-experienced other half, or with unfamiliar nursery assistants. We feel terrible guilt, but what's the worst that can happen? Don't feel bad about it - little Timmy needs his independence, and your other half needs to learn to do stuff for them too. There's only one way for them to learn, and that's for you to suspend your anxiety for a few hours, and get you some 'me' time.

• For a fantastic tale of how incompetents can ruin our day, visit Musings of a Stressy Mummy.

2) We throw all our good intentions out of the window. You know how before you became a parent, you had a well-drawn up battle plan? How many of you changed that battle-plan mid-war? I know I did. My child would sleep in her own bed straight away and sleep all night. Yeah, right! My child would eat all her vegetables without complaining? Hahahahahaha! My child would not be watching television and only play with educational toys? Give me a break. Changing your plan does not mean you have failed. A good soldier takes stock of the changing scenario and can alter their tactics. I hope so anyway, because that's what I've done!

• If all else fails, blame someone else, just like Maid in Yorkshire.

3) Even though we are perfectly intelligent, educated, professional people as well as parents, we (occasionally) show ourselves up. Our failures are witnessed by other grown-ups. From wearing highly visible milky-vomit badges of honour on our work jacket, to getting stuck in tunnels in the soft-play centre, we've all done something that's made us mentally take the walk of shame.

• Read the story of how Ghostwritermummy looked a bit foolish.

4) We take our eyes off the ball. It may only be for a minute or two, but the consequences can be damaging. This is our most popular parenting fail, and has resulted in slug-eating babies, almost flooded bathrooms, and cross-dressing toddlers.

• For a fail that we have all done, even with our eyes closed, visit Cornish Blonde. Oops.

5) Our biggest fail is that we think that our occasional fails mean that we are failures. We're not. Even the very best juggler drops a ball eventually. We have all felt desperate at times. The trick is to take some time out, reflect and come back stronger.

• Read all about Headspace Blog's battle with herself.

I hope you have enjoyed this Friday's round up. Fail Friday is taking a break for a couple of weeks, but we will be back in March, so get your fail posts racked up.

Sergeant J