An army of supporters.

Who is your support network? Do you think about the people in your life who help you every day? Are you lucky enough to have an army of helpers around you, or one of the unluckier ones?

I'm not talking about those mums (or dads) with a gaggle of nannies (if that is the correct term for a collective of them), but about those of us who have others we can turn to at times when we need a bit of extra help. 

Yes! Apply within.

Last week, we had illness in our house. First it was the children and then Dad. I had a lot of help from different people in my life. Even people who gave a small amount of help have no idea how useful they were to me. 

First there was my mum and mother-in-law. Apparently, humans are one of the few species (if not the only one) where the female lives longer than her reproductive life, and it is argued that this is a result of either good design or evolution for the purpose of helping younger generations with their own child-rearing efforts. Whatever it is, it rocks!! I so could not have battled through these last couple of weeks without the help of the older females in our extended family. They came over after work and helped with mealtimes, or looked after the children who were well so I could concentrate on the poorly ones. Amazing.

Then there were the other parents in our community. Especially the ones who were kind enough to collect the well children and take them to school in the morning, or collect them from school later and bring them back. They have been a godsend.

The neighbour popped over a couple of times to see if I needed anything from the shop. She tried not to come too far in to the door, or to breathe in hard, but she was able to keep us stocked up on milk.

As I did not show my face in the school playground for a few days, the school have been fantastic in making sure I have been kept informed of anything by email or book-bag notes. Thankfully, there's not been much to worry about. 

The receptionist at the GPs surgery has been wonderful. I know some of them are complete jobsworths, but ours is ace and it would have been a lot more difficult for us if it was a major issue to be able to get reassurance from our lovely doctor. 

I am so grateful for the little army I have around me. It doesn't matter that if we were ever in a fight, they would be rubbish because keeping my family going is the only battle I concern myself with and whoever can help out with that, whatever the circumstances, can be my wing-man any time. 

Who could you not cope without?

Bedtime stories - a battle worth fighting?

The bedtime story - a cornerstone of any child's day. There are some who argue that a bedtime story is an important tool in helping your child to develop necessary language skills, like in this article. But then there are others that dispute it and place the importance on the act of speaking and listening rather than on the book or story per se, like this article in The Telegraph. I don't suppose we will ever know if they make any difference at all for sure. 

Anyway, I have a confession to make - I don't read my children a bedtime story. I don't base this behaviour on some sort of learned philosophy where I know better than the experts about this sort of thing. Simply, I just plain can't be bothered. 

Bedtime stories are one more thing to worry about in an already busy bedtime routine. They make me sleepy. I get bored of the same three books over and over again. So shoot me. 

I'm not saying we don't 'do' books. Our house is packed with books. So much, that we don't even bother getting new ones from the library. We read a lot of books. We like all sorts of things, from Maisy Mouse to Harry Potter. 

With the oldest child, we read a bedtime story every single night, but then we had a lot more time and undivided attention. We were a bit more lax with the next child. We did some bedtime stories, but we're not so much of a slave to it. Now, we don't do any bedtime stories at all. We have a slob, watch a bit of telly and then straight to bed. 

The older two children are doing very well at school, particularly in reading, so it's not like they're suffering in that sense. I do feel a bit guilty that we don't read them a story every single night, but then, I'm sure there are worse things to worry about.

What I need to know is - am I alone in this??

Protecting your children from the fallout of renegade activity. A tale of drugs and fear.

This is a guest post from Michelle, a mother of two who writes at Lost in Blaenavon.

"I know that Flower and Bear are only little, but this is a cruel world. There are paedophiles, drug dealers, drug addicts and generally some nasty people about who are addicted to the thrill that causing someone pain brings! So I'm worried for their safety. Even though I live in a quiet area, I know that there are places that I need to make sure my children avoid, but now it's being forced into their little world. But maybe I should start from the beginning!

I have a brother who is almost eight years my junior. He was a lovely child, who always tried to defend me and would always make sure he helped anyone out whenever he could. When he was about thirteen, he changed overnight! We assumed it was just the fact that he was a teenager and had hormones raging round his system like all teenagers, but it was something a lot more powerful than that, he became very secretive and started stealing money from us. We couldn't prove it was him and so we just made sure we kept no cash in the house.

When he was sixteen, the truth came out and our whole family was devastated! We're a respectable, hard working, religious family so we weren't expecting anything of the sort! It hit us all like a ton of bricks! My brother had been given drugs by a drug dealer in school and he had become addicted to cannabis and cocaine. You name it, he had tried it. He blamed my father's heart attack for his delving into drugs, but I blame the drug dealer that offered him a free sample!

He refused all help and moved out not long after. My parents knew where he was and kept an eye on him. To protect me and my siblings, we weren't told where he was living or anything. I knew a rough area where he lived, but that was it. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe not. For two years, I barely saw him and each time I did he looked worse and worse. How he kept down a job, I have no idea! Every now and then, he'd come home complaining about the lad he was sharing a house with, saying that he couldn't live there anymore, but every time my parents told him the rules for his return home, he would leave the next day and we wouldn't see him for a few months. It was hard because we never knew if the last time we saw him would be the last!

Eventually, after two years, he saw sense. He came home asking for help to free himself of the habits he'd developed so long ago. This was great wasn't it? It was good, except that his drug dealers weren't about to let a cash cow like him get away with dropping the habit! I don't think it helped that he owed them so much money!

They put death threats out on the whole family to try to scare him into giving them the money. Fortunately they didn't know where we lived, but they did have our phone number. Night after night, we would receive threatening phone calls from them and no matter how many numbers we blocked, the following night they would have another ten numbers to ring from.

The police were fabulous! I have to admit! They came and spoke to us and took lists of numbers away and generally reassured us. But the threats to our life were very real. In the first few weeks after my brother came home when the death threats started, the police said to my father that he needed to move his entire family away. We had no choice.

We tried to move my grandmother without telling her, but she was being stubborn and we had a lot of nasty comments from her friends about us taking her away. Eventually, my father told her the truth and she was the first to move. I moved with her as my volunteer work had become too dangerous in the area and I had to transfer.

We left friends and jobs and a beautiful house behind because of my brother's drug habits! In fairness, he has cleaned up his life and doesn't drink or do drugs anymore and now has three boys and a wife. At 23 he's more like the boy he was than when he was 13!

And that is what worries me about Flower and Bear. How do I protect them from the pain that I and my family suffered because of one person's stupidity! How would you do it? How would you protect your family? How can you educate your children about drugs?"

Toddler wrestling. And not for fun.

Today, I was thinking. What if trying to get a toddler dressed was an olympic sport? It should be. 

It certainly feels like one. Dressing a wriggling, stubborn little person who would rather spend the day in a state of nakedness is a real battle and a half. It leaves me worn out and an awareness of muscles that I had long since forgotten about.

This morning, I watched as the twins tried to get their own trousers on. They are only 18 months old and frankly, a bit rubbish at putting their own clothes on, but they insisted on it. Every time I made like I was going to take an item from them and help them, they screamed and did 'the windmill' - arms swinging round at top speed like a whirling forcefield. Once I backed off slowly, they returned to attempting to dress themselves by putting their feet into the armholes of their t-shirts, or by sticking their arms up their trouser legs. This lasts for about ten minutes until, all too aware of the time, I jump in before they have a chance to start defensive manoeuvres and grab the clothing from the nearest one. 

Hi ya!

She screams and stamp her feet. Then, realising what is about to happen, makes a run for it. She shoots off across the living room, squealing like an escaped pig, changing direction any time I make a grab for her. Eventually I catch her, and hold her in place with one hand whilst attempting to put the t-shirt over her head with the other. But she has two hands to my one, and while I try to put the t-shirt onto her head, she is karate-chopping me with one hand and using the other to hold the t-shirt off. 

I struggle to get an arm in. She sobs in protest. While I am trying to wrestle the second arm and head in, the first arm has managed to pop it's way back out again. I shout at her, to no avail. It just makes the sobbing increase in volume. I am firm and I succeed. T-shirt down, trousers to go.

Before she can shoot off again, I grab her, sit on the sofa and trap her in a vice-like fashion between my knees. She wriggles but I have done enough to get one leg in. One. Then she gets free and dashes away, her trousers flapping behind her like a horses tail. 

In one last flurry of effort, I rugby tackle her to the ground, trap her under my weight, and get the last leg in. Ha! Victory is mine. I am knackered already, but I have one dressed toddler.

I feel like I've had a complete work-out and it's not even lunchtime. Hell, if someone designed some rules to this, I could compete internationally. I would be like the Jessica Ennis of the parenting olympics.

Dressing a single toddler would be my 1500metres - a middle-distance event that needs endurance, tactics and knowing when to make your move.

Now to do another few laps - where is her sister hiding?

How to support a twin mum

Here is a guest post from Rebecca at Here come the girls. She blogs about life with her three girls, and especially her two year old twin terrors. Here is the advice she would give to friends or family of a multiple mum.

I was really lucky and have had lots of support from my friends and family when I found out I was expecting twins. It can be a bit of a mine field really. Everyone is expecting one child, but to find there is going to be more than one is a complete shock to everyone. People don't always know how to react, especially if they aren't familiar with twins.

1. When you find out someone you care about is expecting twins be careful expressing your own reaction. Wait to find out how they are feeling. It is such a shock. You might be overwhelmingly delighted but the expectant parents are probably just feeling bewildered and out of their depth. Equally don't tell them how hard twins are, or ask how they are going to possibly cope, they will be worrying themselves. 

I was amazed by how many comments I received which were negative about having twins. By negative I mean - how many people said "Oh god, how will you possibly cope" or "Oh no, poor you, I'd hate to have twins." Congratulate warmly and then offer help. Lots and lots of help.

2. When buying presents, check what they need, money is going to be tight, so every present needs to be useful as well as beautiful. Check the parents' views of twin clothing. People tend to have strong views on whether they want to dress their twins in matching, coordinated or completely different clothes. Also be careful giving hand me downs, sometimes it's harder to find co-ordinated outfits if that's what they want.

It may not sound fancy but probably the best present we had was lots and lots of nappies. You can make them look very fancy with bows and ribbons, but they are the most expensive outlay twin parents will have.

3. Everyone will want to visit the new babies so be careful not to overwhelm the new family in the first few weeks. Let them lead the way. Also be patient if they don't get back to you with messages or phone calls. I found this the hardest in the early days. I was so happy to get the attention but when I did get a few moments to myself I couldn't hold a train of thought. I had a few conversations where I was so drunk with tiredness I made no sense whatsoever!

4. Help as much as possible. Offer something tangible like taking the babies for a walk in the pram rather than just a general offer of help. If the family has older children don't just offer to take them out. I wanted my daughter to stay close to us so she didn't feel pushed out, yet everyone offered to look after her. Instead I would have liked someone to take the babies for a few hours so I could spend time with her, or do some jobs.

All the books say help by doing household tasks. That's brilliant in theory but not many people would want someone looking under their sofa, so check, but do ask because any help would be appreciated. The easiest way to help is to offer to pick things up from the shop before you visit, it's really tricky popping to the shop with two or more babies so this will always be welcome. You can do a big internet shop but it's tricky if you've just run out of milk. 

5. Don't compare having twins to anything else. It isn't like having one baby. It isn't like having two babies eighteen months apart. These things have their own unique challenges. It's the same if I met someone with triplets, or quads. I wouldn't say - oh yes having twins is just as hard. It isn't. Ask them what it's like and what is hard. They will delight in telling you about the unique joys of raising twins. 

Finally tell them repeatedly they look amazing, they are doing a brilliant job and you are so proud of them. Even if they greet you at the front door in a tatty dressing gown, with unwashed hair, baby sick on their shoulder, three day old make-up smeared down their face, a pile of unwashed laundry in every corner and dirty plates on every surface. Tell them they are amazing - even if their twins are nearly five and on their way to school. Honestly twin mums need all the praise they can get - dear Lord - they are they just had two babies at once - two babies I tell you! They deserve a medal. 

You can follow Rebecca on twitter @1978rebecca

or find her on her facebook page

The battle of nappy hill.

Nappy changing - that essential job that no parent can avoid. It's crap, I know, but wishing it away isn't going to make it stop. The main problem with nappy changing is that the little person we are trying to help through the act of changing a nappy is the same little person who we have to fight to make it happen. And my word, aren't they good at resistance?

What are they thinking when we go to change their nappy? If only we could read their minds. The secret to successful nappy changing is being able to either make the little enemy conform, or to outsmart them when they try evasion tactics. Try our nappy changing advice and tips.

First of all, it pays to get good at the whole nappy changing operation while they are still too small to think about playing up. Practice doing things one handed and set yourself speed challenges. Once they start rolling over, you will find all the practice very useful.

Aw cute! But don't be fooled. These things can stink. Baaaaaad.

When they start rolling, you now have to be able to change nappies with one hand while holding the baby down with the other. If you don't have anyone around to help you, then pray that the nappy isn't tooooooo bad. Otherwise, it's game over already.

Keep the wipes within reach, unless you have twins and it's a whole different ball game altogether. This is when you need to keep them within reach of you and out of reach of the second twin, who will grab the wipes and run off laughing if you give them half a chance. Recommended kit: a play-pen. 

Also, if you do have twins or more, you will also need to practice nappy changing while blind-folded and with a wriggly weight on your back. Or you need to pay someone to do all this for you. Anyway...

If it's a really bad nappy, then get a couple of carrier bags ready - one for the waste, and one for any clothing. Avoid changing a wriggly baby on a mat placed on a carpet. Always put the mat on a wipeable floor instead. Lino is fab. I speak from experience here, so pay attention!

Older babies get wise to your tactics. When they get to around fifteen months old, they seem to comply with the nappy change, but don't be fooled. They are really lulling you into a false sense of security, biding their time until you let down your guard using your spare hand to get the clean nappy - then they're up and off quicker than a greased ferret. And that's you, chasing after a half-naked baby like a frickin' eejit. If they don't tiddle on the floor in the time between now and managing to catch them, then count yourself lucky, soldier. Do not ever remove your hand from that baby. Ever. 

As they get older, I'd like to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. They up their game, content wise. And then they get curious and start sticking their hands in. Recommended kit: straight jacket, or willing assistant. 

The next weapon in your armoury should be potty training, and the sooner the better. And good luck with that one!

Sergeant J's personal blog is over at Trouble Doubled.

The bedtime standoff.

We're having a bit of a standoff at home at the moment, the husband and I. It's over the battleground that is our four-year-old's night-time bedwetting.

It's a bit of a battle because I have one philosophy and action plan, and he has another entirely. I don't really know who's right to be honest. We are both doing what we think is best, which is all we can do, but it does lead to bickering every now and again.

My approach is to let the four-year-old have a drink before bed, if she wants one. I don't like going to bed thirsty and I don't think it's fair to force the children to. I make sure she has a wee before bed and, when I go to bed later at around 11pm, I will lift her on to the toilet where she will do another sleepy wee. This is usually enough to get her through until morning, when fingers crossed, she is dry. My philosophy is that her body will grow and learn to go longer between wees at night in it's own time and that by lifting her I am saving us a whole lot of stress in a morning, when I least need it.

His battle plan is different. He won't let her have a drink after the evening meal. She goes for a wee at bedtime but then he leaves her all night, with the logic that her body will learn faster if we're not lifting her. With this approach, she is more likely to be wet in the morning, and that leaves whoever is on morning duties to sort the bed out and give the four-year old a bath before school. But if it's his turn on duty, I don't argue because it's him that'll bear the fallout and that's his choice to make.

I wouldn't say it's causing arguments but it's probably the thing we disagree on most. I don't like the way he leaves her and then tells her off when she's wet, which I see as inevitable if you expect someone of that age to go 10 hours without the toilet - asleep or not. I tell him that I think he is wrong, but then I'm not totally convinced I'm going about it the right way myself. 

What's your philosophy on night-time bed-wetting?

Protecting your children online.

Digital technology is so much a part of everyday life, it isn't surprising that children would grab on to the newest trends and want to experience all that the Internet has to offer. While there are clearly benefits that children derive from Internet use, such as becoming more technologically savvy, learning to find information, being able to quickly share files with friends and having to read more because online communication is mostly written, there are also significant disadvantages to allowing children the freedom to use computers and access the Internet at will. As a proactive parent, there are many apps, as well as services and features within your computer's operating system that will allow you to monitor your child's Internet activity or take advantage of controls that will prevent them from accessing sites you deem unsuitable.

Microsoft

Households that use computers with Windows Vista or Windows 7 operating systems have built in parental controls that should be used. Microsoft enlisted the assistance of the American Academy of Pediatricians to develop age-based guidelines for Internet use, along with the parental controls. Their Age-Based Guidelines are divided into three age groups: one for children between the ages of two and 10, another for children between the ages of 11 and 14, and the last one for children between the ages of 15 and 18.

Children between the ages of two and 10 shouldn’t be allowed to use the Internet without supervision. Establish clear rules regarding their Internet use, such as how much time they can spend online, how often they can use the computer, sites that are age-appropriate for them to visit and revealing information. Make sure that they know that they should never reveal any personal information about themselves, their family members, where they live or anything that a resourceful person could use to find out more about them.

For children between the ages of 11 and 14, you need to be aware that they probably already know a lot about accessing the Internet, so although it may not be necessary for you to sit with them when they use the computer, they should know that you will monitor their activity, the sites they visit and what they do. Stress the importance to them of not sharing information or posting pictures that could allow anyone surfing the Internet to figure out where you live. If you intend to allow your tween to join any social networking sites, make sure he/she creates an online profile with you, and that they feel comfortable enough to talk to you about their online activities.

By age 15, children are even more familiar with things they can do on the Internet, and they are likely using it a lot for their schoolwork. One way to protect your teens and to ensure that you are able to monitor their online activity is by not allowing them to have a computer in their room. By having a computer in the common areas of the home, and requiring that they use it there, you are able to maintain a semblance of control over what they do and how they handle themselves in the scary world of cyberspace. Help them understand that you want them to feel free to come to you about anything that concerns them, bothers them, frightens them or confuses them. Make sure they know they won't be punished, regardless of what happens, as long as they communicate with you.

Create a Digital Toolbox

A digital toolbox generally consists of tools that are available in the form of protective software. One of the tools is a white list that parents can create after choosing websites that they think are appropriate for their children to see or use. As a parent, you can also create filters within those white lists to limit access your child has to certain sites, domains or programs when you aren't present.

Take advantage of warning tools that are designed to warn you when your child tries to access certain types of content. These warning tools may also allow you to tracks the history of your child's Internet activity so you can monitor their behavior more closely. The most extreme types of digital tools are software programs that allow parents to decide what websites and content they want to block so their child cannot access it at all.

Setting Limits

Parents need to set limits as to what their children can and cannot do on the Internet. If you're going to allow your child to join Facebook, make sure that they don't upload or publish their profile until you approve it. Monitor the way your child interacts with people when they are on Facebook. The Wall Street Journal warns parents about some of the very real problems that children may encounter while using the Internet.

As a parent, it’s important that children know, understand and accept that you have control over their Internet use. The same goes for their smartphone use. Use filters to prevent your children from accessing inappropriate and potentially dangerous sites. Talk to them about spam and phishing so they understand that there are people who try to take advantage of innocent, unsuspecting people. Make sure that your children understand that they should never give out personal information to anyone on the Internet, and they should be cautious about posting images as well.

Most importantly, however, despite all the rules, your children need to feel comfortable enough with you and trust you to come to you with their concerns. By monitoring their Internet activity, you ensure that they still get to enjoy their childhood because they have a loving family that cares for them.





This is a guest post from Cameron Tyler, a regular contributor to yousendit.com and big proponent of technology and internet security. 


"Growing up with younger siblings, I've always felt the need to protect the ones that I care about. I wanted to be able to combine my love of technology and security to help parents protect their children online. I hope parents can take this information and apply it to their own lives to help monitor their child's digital life."

Parenting Room 101: Things that give me Mummy-rage.

Mummy-rage - it's not good. There are things I encounter as a parent that make me very stabby. I would love to put them in Room 101. Here are my top five....

1) Lunch-box police. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that children turning up to school with nothing but crisps and sweets for lunch is a good thing. Buuuuuttt, I do think that teachers have a hard enough job without having to do checks of the lunches that parents have made for their own children. Some parents find food enough of a battleground without having to be told that sandwiches can only consist of cheese or meat - no jam, no peanut butter (i.e. stuff your child might actually eat). The guidelines that schools have to try and get the children to adhere to are set down by the government and it's various advisory bodies - and I say, Oi, Cameron, butt out will ya!!

2) Celebrity Mums - not celebrities who are mums, because that would be silly, but those women who have a perfectly good career in showbiz or whatever, and because they have suddenly become a mum start milking it for all it's worth - releasing fitness DVDs so you can get your figure back, clothing ranges for pregnant women and their soon-to-be offspring, food ranges, appearing with their little darlings in adverts for questionable freezer shops. What happened to the woman taking some time off for maternity leave and then going back to doing what she was doing previously, like all us lesser mortals have to? Oi, Klass, give it a rest and go back to being a perfectly good classical musician, will ya!

3) Lelli Kelly. The cutest shoes. Lelli Kelly, they are so cool, oh yeah! They may well be but  they are also hideous, and hideously expensive. On top of that they have the most annoying advert of all time, ever. It doesn't stop my girls wanting them so much - they seem to love the Lelli Kelly song and the shoes that go with them. I say, Oi Kelly, shove your shoes up your backside!

4) Me too! Why oh why did they shelve Balamory and wheel out Me too! instead? What a crock. It's awful. the songs are shit. The acting is chronic. The children are marginalised. Even the dog looks like it knows it got the shitty end of the stick after doggy drama-school. And I don't know about you, but Riverseafingle looks suspiciously like Glasgow to me. I say, Oi, Granny Murray, just shut up you old bag!

5) Useless baby equipment. There are things you need, like a pushchair, a high chair, and a cot, and things you don't need. Unfortunately you don't learn you don't need them until after you've bought them and not used them. Here are things we had that hardly got any use - a moses basket, cot bumpers, bloody flamin' bumbos. Don't bother. I say, Oi, shops, stop selling us stuff we don't need!

So, what would you like to send into parenting Room 101?

Know what you're up against: Torture techniques

Children. Who'd have 'em?

It's like we welcome them into our homes and lives but then they start slowly turning it in to a war zone. Bit by bit, day by day, they do stuff that drives us nuts, and makes us want to run for the hills. Maybe their sole purpose is to make us abandon our territory so they can have it all to themselves. So they can steal our oil, or something like that.

But this doesn't have to be your fate. An awareness of the techniques they use to conquer us can help us to be strong and resist their advances. 

Today, we start with torture techniques. There are many techniques available for a soldier (i.e. little darling) to torture the enemy (i.e. you) with. While we can't tell you what to use to combat this torture, an understanding of how the little buggers can grind you down can keep you one step ahead mentally. 

Fully trained in ritual humiliation. Yours.

Blackmailing - You know it well. If you don't do something they want, or let them do something they want to do, then you will bloody well pay for it one way or another. With whining, or a tantrum, or just telling you they don't love you any more. The threat of having to hear their little whiny voice and look at their pathetic, hard-done-to face for hours on end tempts us in to giving in to their demands. Well don't! Be a man. Tell them 'no' and mean it. That'll teach them.

Humiliation - Argh, the pain! The torment! Just when you thought you were getting away with it all, the little darling decides to tell random strangers, at the top of their usually tiny voices, that Mummy was squeezing the spots on her face this morning. Or that Daddy was doing something equally (or more) disgusting than that. Or worse, they tell their teachers who have a very crafty way of being able to wheedle out all your family secrets with just one look. You will never have the same street cred in the playground again. Ever.

Sleep Deprivation - Oh God! This one needs a whole blog post in itself. We will come back later, I think.

Exposure to unpleasant sounds over a long period of time - Bong bing boo. Bing bong bing. Bing bong bingly bungly boo. Bong bing boo. Bing bong bing. Bing bong bingly bungly boo. Do I need to explain this one any further? Thought not.

Being subject to interrogation for long periods - Whhhhhhhhy? Like this.....

"Mummy, why is that lady walking funny?"

"Don't know darling. Maybe she's had a poorly leg and it's not got better."

"Oh. Why?"

"Well, I don't know. Some people just get poorly for whatever reason."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because people catch germs or hurt themselves doing something mental like parachuting or something."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because people sometimes like to do things like that."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because they JUST FRICKIN WELL DO THAT'S WHY!!!!"

And relax.

So there you have it. Some of the more common torture techniques you will encounter as a parent. Do you have any more to add to help out your fellow trooper?

A bit of give and take - the art of negotiating with the enemy

This is a guest post from Ben Wakeling, author of Goodbye, Pert Breasts.

My day job is as a Quantity Surveyor for a housebuilding company, and yes, I have been known to count bricks, before you ask.

Lots.

A lot of my time, though, is taken up with negotiation – usually over price. Numbers get flung around like poo in a monkey enclosure, things are conceded and gained, and every now and again voices become raised. I’ve come up against novice negotiators, those with decades of experience, and discussions can last from an hour to a month before a decision is finally made.

Lately, though, I’ve come up against a tougher negotiator than even the most seasoned pro. 

His name is Isaac, and he’s 3 years old. He also likes to wear pants on his head.

 

Isaac has mastered the art of saying ‘No’. Whilst adults negotiating and bartering will at least give you something to work on, Isaac will simply point blank refuse to do something if he doesn’t fancy it.

“Isaac, eat your sandwich.”

“No.”

This refusal is illustrated with a frown so strong you can barely see his eyes under accumulated rolls of forehead fat.

“Isaac, please eat your sandwich.”

“No.”

My face, on the other hand, is largely expressionless, like Keanu Reeves or Steven Seagal. I don’t want to show that he’s winding me up: I don’t raise my voice, just make it a bit sterner.

“Isaac, please eat your sandwich now.”

Pause.

“No.”

Suddenly, you find yourself in a negotiation where your chances of getting everything you want are pretty much non-existent, much like Cheryl Cole’s chances of making it big in America. And so, it goes down to half a sandwich, then a quarter, each concession met with the same response. You know he needs to eat the sandwich to flipping survive. All he knows is that he’d rather watch Peppa Pig and do that thing where he scratches his backside for ages.

Parents are caught between a rock and a hard place when it comes to negotiating with their child. If you throw up your hands, say ‘Fine!’ and let him have his way, he knows he can beat you every time. Plus, it means that you suck at discipline. On the other hand, you don’t want things to descend into a full-blown slanging match – not that you’d swear at your children, of course.

 

"Potty mouth!"

So what can you do? Your only option, really, is to stick to your guns. You will, invariably, have to make some concessions, but as long as he eats most of his sandwich then you can chill. Isaac’s at the age where he’s constantly pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with, so as long as I continue to show him who’s boss (in a nice way, i.e. no whipping/caning/detention involved) he’ll probably turn out to be OK. At least, I hope so. If he turns out like me, he’s screwed.

Mummy goes to the bottom of the class

You know when you have good intentions and everything conspires against you, making you look like a really bad parent? Honestly, it was a conspiracy. It was nothing to do with me forgetting all about my child. Nothing like that. At all.

Anyway, today my four-year-old was at a one day dance workshop. I dropped her and her two rather chatty friends off at 10am, went off and did the usual errands with the other three children. Just before lunchtime, the Dad took over so I could get some work done, which was fantastic. It was a lovely, sunny day and it was a shame to be cooped up inside, but it's not often I get a few hours to concentrate on work, so I took advantage. The Dad brought me some lunch, bless him, and I managed to read a couple of articles, and added some more words to my paper. I'll probably think better and delete them again in a few days, but at least my word count will rise for a bit.

At 2.30pm, with my brain completely in my work, the Dad shouted up and asked when I was supposed to be setting off to watch the four-year-old do her little dance show and collect her. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit times about a thousand!!! I ran downstairs, grabbed my car keys, the video camera, and phone and jumped in the car. The journey took about 15 minutes that morning, so I should be ok for the 2.45pm start.

I got to the top of the road and the traffic was three times as bad as this morning. Then I got to the level crossing, and the barriers were down for an approaching train. I got through this and the town centre was reeeeeaaaalllllly busy, and every traffic light seemed to be red. By the time I got through town, it was already 2.45pm, and I still had another ten minutes to go. 

I screeched up at the dance centre at 2.55pm, and walked into the already full studio just as they were starting to present an activity they had done earlier in the day. Relief. It looked like they had only just started the show. They must've been over-schedule. I waved to the mums of the four-year-old's friends who were laughing at me. At. Me. The cheek of it.

Oh well. I found a space on the floor right at the front so my daughter could see I had turned up. I knew she would be looking for me, and she did. She saw me, smiled, and gave me a little wave. I was full of pride. Not just for her, but for me, for being a good Mummy and not missing her show after all. The Gods of parenting had smiled on me and delayed her show so I could be there for her.

They gave their little presentation, and then the teacher said some terrible, terrible words. She said that they were going to do one more dance, and that it would be the last one. She joked this would come as a relief to us parents who had sat through two dances already. TWO? I hadn't seen any. Just the short activity presentation. My heart sank. My two mum friends laughed inwardly at my expense, as did all the other punctual parents. Probably. I couldn't see them laughing, but they were. 

I watched the last dance, which was great. My daughter was the smallest one there and she did as well as everyone else, even better in my eyes. When she'd finished, she came over and I asked her how her day had been. She said it was great, but the best part was when I came in to see her dancing, and she gave me the biggest smile and hug. 

I. Am. The. Worst. Mother. In. The. World.

Parents, Politics and my Six Year Old

In this parenting thing that we're all in together, it's not essential that we see eye-to-eye with other parents. It is inevitable that we are going to encounter others whose parenting philosophies don't match ours. What's important is that we don't catch any of our offspring in any hostilities. This guest post has been provided by Claire Smith of Ministry of Mum, and I know she would appreciate your opinion.

Recently I have been subject to something which I consider to be pretty low - the parent that punishes somebody else’s child. I’ve felt compelled to write this blog because it is completely beyond my parenting style and comprehension. So much, in fact, that as well as wanting to rant, I’m curious to know if other parents share my view or if I’m the one that’s completely off my head.

In a nutshell, about a month ago my six year old daughter might have borrowed but probably nicked a mini camera from a mate, resulting in her being banned from that household. To give you some background, we don’t get along with the parents but we have never let this interfere with the children. What happened is this – my daughter went over to play and two days later I discovered that she had this mini camera which doesn’t belong to us. She told me that her friend had said she could borrow it. I was cross because my daughter can be a bit of a magpie - I know my daughter and even though I'm secretly hoping she'll rob something worthwhile one day (new Uggs, Barbour jacket, cash), she’s got to learn that you just can’t take something if you fancy having it for yourself. Of course life took over and we didn’t end up returning the camera until the next day. Anyway, that night my husband who had been away on business and knew nothing about this, received a text from the Dad (who he never speaks to) saying something along the lines of “You may be aware that your daughter stole a camera from our house. We have been looking for it for days. As a consequence she is no longer welcome here.”

These are my thoughts:

1) I don’t think the family even knew it was missing. Because if you couldn’t find an item in your house, the next thing you would do is contact the parents of the child that had been over to check if that child had it. Plus the mother really knows my daughter. She’s known her very well for over three years.

2) Yes my daughter might have ‘stolen’ it and yes she should know not to do this. But no kid is perfect. I’ve had kids over here that have drawn on the furniture, hit my kid, thrown stuff but surely you just have to let this stuff go.

3) Who knows what goes on between six year old girls? Her friend could very well have said she could borrow it. She probably didn’t, but nobody knows that for sure and the friend isn’t likely to admit that now.

4) The parents are projecting the way they feel about us onto our child. And, at the end of the day, SHE’S SIX.

5) Kids will be kids. I know my daughter is no angel. If she did nick it then of course she needs to be reprimanded but surely this is my job?

The other day we ran into the family. Their daughter greeted my daughter like you would a long lost friend. It was sad to see because indirectly the other girl is being punished too as they really do love each other. However the girl said to my daughter: “I’m not cross with you. I’m still your friend. But I’m not allowed to play with you.” This is what got me. If the parents want to tell their daughter the truth then that’s their prerogative, but my daughter knew nothing about the ban. She didn’t need to know. All she needed to know was that if she had taken the camera, then that’s wrong. As I said SHE’S SIX and nobody knew for certain what happened. Oh but she knows about the ban now. She has been questioning me about what this means and of course she’s confused and upset.

It’s got me thinking because maybe my view on this incident is too ‘relaxed’. I am able to laugh off stuff because they are children and, you know what, nobody was harmed. Or am I actually laying the groundwork for the hash-growing, car-jacking, old lady-mugging youths of tomorrow? Probably not. But I have to remember that although there are lots of you out there who 'get' me, there are also people who look down with scorn. You all know them. The parents who believe that their children are perfect, can do no wrong and are seriously shocked by ‘naughty’ behaviour. Who do not want their children playing with the not-so-perfect kids. I understand that everybody’s parenting is different.  I respect that the camera incident was a big deal to the other family but what I can’t respect is the way that it has been handled. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a serious incident, there are far worse things that go on with children. 

So judge away. I’m very interested to hear your views on this. Especially if it’s ‘don’t project your shit on to another person’s child’. Because surely that’s what our own children are for   ;-)

Battles with my seven-year old

My seven-year old is a joy. Sometimes. The rest of the time she is indifferent to horrid, and sometimes we get into terrible fights. She has a knack of being able to press all the right buttons to get me and her Dad completely wound up. I have always hoped this was a phase she was going through, yet she seems to have been in it since she was about three-years old. I'm not sure if it is an age thing either, as her younger sister (who is now four) doesn't seem to provide us with half as many challenges. Some days I wonder if I should get her tested for some sort of syndrome. There must be a name for her attitude problem and her challenging behaviour. Then I remember what it is - it is genetics. She has the mix of a questioning mind and academic ability, crossed with rebelliousness and a low boredom threshold. As a result, I find her the hardest work out of all my offspring. Our daily battles are varied and many.

First of all there is the way in which she always seems to understand why she is being told off, only to go and do the exact same thing moments later - like dragging one of the twins over, and claiming the baby 'likes it' when she clearly doesn't. We tell her not to do it and send her to the very well-worn naughty-step (again). We go through the usual 'why were you on the naughty step *sigh*? routine, and talk about why her behaviour was out of order. She apologises to whichever baby she scared the bejeezus out of, and then goes and does it all again in less than two minutes. It drives me potty.

Then there is the morning routine thing. We have been getting up and going to school in a morning now for three years, at least. Why do I myself shouting at her every single morning to eat her breakfast / put her school clothes on / brush her teeth? I don't have to do this for the 4-year old, who I ask once at the most, and it's done. I hate comparing them, but my second-child is way more capable in most senses. I wouldn't mind so much, but my seven-year old's academic ability is significantly above average, so she's clearly not stupid. I know I have to be understanding of her space-cadet credentials, but it's the attitude I get back when trying to gee things up a bit that makes me want to scream!!!!!

She also seems to have a lack of talent for sitting still. Anywhere. At the dining table, in school assembly, in front of the TV. She also does this wriggling thing in tandem with sucking her thumb (the Dad's biggest pet peeve), and no matter what we do, she won't stop. Part of this is attention-seeking, and most of the rest is showing off. She likes to entertain and thinks that being silly is a way of doing this, whereas most of the time it just results in people thinking she is indeed, silly. 

We fight over her love of video games. I can't criticise too much as we've always been into gaming, me especially, and we buy the girls games regularly, but it's the way the eldest goes on and on and on about them all the time. We get constant requests for her to play Zelda, or Mario Kart, or to go on-line and play flaming Moshi Monsters. Nothing else. We've bought her other stuff too, like books, outdoor toys, and craft sets, yet she craves gaming and has little mini tantrums over wanting to play them. Nothing too serious mind as I wouldn't stand for it, but she clearly, genuinely gets upset if we refuse. And God forbid we should interrupt a gaming session with an offering of a meal. How inconvenient for her! We have turned the game off at the wall many times when she seems to be taking way too long to 'save it then I'll come', but even the threat of banning video gaming for a period of time doesn't improve her behaviour elsewhere. The prospect of having her games taken away does not seem to even faze her, and though she knows we are indeed serious about hiding her DS and banning the Wii, she always seems to end up getting her ban extended. She never learns.

The one that has been ongoing pretty much since she was born is the bedtime battle. She has had a solid bedtime routine since she came home from the hospital. We were firm about it from an early age, yet when she goes to bed we get every excuse in the book why she can't possibly sleep right now. She is usually hungry, or thirsty, or just knows she's going to have a bad dream, or she's too hot, or too cold, or the duvet isn't right. We often hear her pottering around the girls' room above the living room, two hours after she went up to bed. She was the same as a baby, unsettled in her cot and crying to come out for ages after we put her down. Now, she shouts down to us regularly trying to buy more time downstairs, with her younger sister snoring obliviously in the bunk bed below. 

My seven-year old is a sweet and sensitive child. She gets upset with real tears when our rows escalate and I tell her that if she really hates us that much she should pack her bags and go and live somewhere else, with a family that will let her have her own way all the time. (No, I'm not proud of this, but she makes it too easy for me to say it). She clearly loves her sisters and can play nicely with them when she wants to. She has lots of friends at school, even if she can be a bit bossy with them from time-to-time. 

My long-term goal now is to try and show her the consequences of her behaviour without letting her permanently harm anyone around her, and try and get her to adulthood having learned from her sometimes destructive and challenging behaviour. I need to find a more productive outlet for her obvious intelligence and passion for entertaining. My daily battle is finding enough time to make her the focus of my attention for even a short period of time each day. I just wish that she didn't sometimes make it difficult for me to want to make the effort to spend some time with her.